The Four Questions

© 2004 Boaz Rauchwerger

Last Tuesday I was conducting a seminar for a group of CEO’s in the Los Angeles area. The meeting was held at the headquarters of one of the members of the group.

During the break, as I was returning to the meeting room, I noticed a gentleman, about 60 years of age, in his cubicle. He looked as though he could have been from Europe. So, I stopped and talked with him to satisfy my curiosity and I wanted to learn about his background.

His name was Janek. During the next five minutes I learned that he was born in Poland, the same country where my mother was born. Janek studied engineering, married there and had two daughters. Through the years he communicated with friends who had immigrated to the United States. Janek dreamt about going to America.

About 15 years ago Janek made his move, first to France and then to the Eastern Seaboard of the US. Because he had friends in the Los Angeles area, he eventually settled his family there. Janek’s daughters have married and he proudly pointed to the pictures of his three grandkids. He now works as an industrial designer and is very happy in America.

I made Janek feel important by showing genuine interest in him. And, since I asked a specific set of easy-to-answer questions, he found it very comfortable to talk with me. Because of our connection with Poland and the fact that we were both immigrants, we easily built bridges between us.

When we build bridges with people we are more likely to create great relationships, to get cooperation and to conduct business. Talking with other people becomes easier when you realize that everybody’s got a story. And those stories, in most cases, are very interesting. Janek’s story was fascinating to me and look how much I learned about him in less than five minutes. We can all learn so much from the challenges, successes and adventures of others.

When you meet someone new and find a way to allow them to talk, they will quickly hold you in high esteem. They will feel comfortable with you within minutes and they will often want to talk with you.

So, how do I get so many people to talk with me so easily? Getting people to talk with you becomes simple when you have specific, easy-to-answer questions that you can use every time.

I speak before many groups of people throughout the world. I’m amazed with how productive the following conversation-starting idea has been for the people who use it.

There are four simple questions you can ask informally that can make you feel confident and make the person you’re meeting feel important. I’m taking for granted that you are genuinely interested in other people. Thus, here are four simple questions that anyone will find easy to answer.

    1. Where are you from originally?
    2. What brought you here? (If not from here.)
    3. Do you have a family?
    4. What do you do?

Most people like talking about their roots and about their families. Once you get someone started with easy questions, they’ll usually find it easy to keep talking.

If the person you’re talking to is someone you’d like to speak with again, or do business with in the future, make note of the answers to the four questions as soon as you have a moment. When you speak in the future, you can refer to some of their answers.

People are honored when we let them talk and even more so when we refer to something they told us in the past. That shows that you were genuinely interested and took the time to remember.

Many people have related to me that they were amazed with how much they learned about other people when they started using these questions. The four questions will give you an easy and non-threatening way to start conversations and to make people feel important.

To further help in a new conversation, start with the phrase “I’m just curious” before the four questions. Be sure that your tone is easy and simply inquisitive. This phrase is psychologically a way to disarm anyone.

It’s like a water pump on a farm. In order to get the water to start flowing from the well below, you have to pour some water in the pump. Then you begin pumping. Just when you’re ready to give up, that’s the time to continue pumping. A little more pumping and here comes the water.

The same is true with people. The “I’m just curious” phrase is like priming the pump. Asking the four questions is the actual pumping process. The answers comprise the flow of the water.

Thus, by using the opening phrase and following with the four questions, you’ll see the magic this process creates in your ability to talk with others.

An Affirmation of Great Communication

I use the four questions to start any conversation. I’m a human relations expert.